First, the states that don’t count:
Alabama is a southern state.
Alaska is Sarah Palin country; only conservatives vote there.
Arizona is a Joe Arpaio country, only conservatives vote there.
Arkansas is Clinton Country. And it’s Southern.
California may or may not matter depending on where the polls go between now and June. But we know that you’ll either be a Southern state (please, states, quit moving across the country) or a lily-white state. We’ll make that determination in June.
Colorado is a pot smoking state. We know who the hippies will vote for. Plus, caucus.
Connecticut is too damn close to Vermont.
Delaware is also too close to Vermont.
Florida has too many elderly voters. Plus, just look at their governor.
Georgia is a Southern state.
Hawaii — sorry, we have no beef with you, Hawaii. Magically, you’re the birthplace of people born in Kenya so you do you and we’ll accept whatever that is.
Idaho is all Mormons. And white supremacists, and just white in general. Plus, it’s freakin’ Idaho. It just doesn’t count.
Illinois is the birthplace of Clinton, and some dude in the White House has pretty close ties to it. That disqualifies it.
Indiana has been deemed a Southern state, so like all Southern states, they don’t count.
Iowa has also been deemed a Southern state.
Kansas is a white state and red state. Strike from the record!
Kentucky is a doubly, nay, triply! struck from the record because it is a Southern state, a red state, and a mostly white state.
Louisiana is a Southern state.
Maine is too close to Vermont.
Maryland is also too close to Vermont.
Massachusetts is another Southern state that’s been hiding in another region of the U.S. so as to throw us off. The deception will not stand. You do not count.
Michigan is, as of this writing, either another Southern state in disguise or a lily-white red state.
Minnesota is a lily-white state.
Mississippi BZZZZT! You know the drill, Southern state.
Missouri is a Southern state….. AS FAR AS WE KNOW!
Montana is white and red.
Nebraska is also white and red.
Nevada is a Southern state that’s been chilling with us in the West since, oh, about 1850, pretending to be Utah, then “officially” became its own state in 1864, presumably to plant the Southern flag in the West, but hiding it until 2016. Well played, NV. Well played. I almost want to give you points for ingenuity, but I can’t since you are a Southern state.
New Hampshire is not only too close to Vermont, but it NEIGHBORS Vermont, which makes it a Northeastern state that’s not only not Southern, but also kind of socialist. And white.
New Jersey is the land of Bridgegate. WHY would we let a state that elected Chris fucking Christie have a say in OUR Democratic election?
New Mexico … um, I don’t know anything about you, New Mexico. Sorry. You might count, but..... we'll have to think about it.
New York elected the ultimate Oligarch warmonger as a Senator. And Andrew Cuomo. You only THOUGHT you redeemed yourself with de Blasio. Sorry. Not enough. You don’t count.
North Carolina is a Southern state.
North Dakota is a white and red state. You don’t count.
Ohio, I mean, come on. It’s frickin’ Ohio. You, like New Jersey, elected a dumb ass governor. But you DOUBLY screwed up because Christie is clearly a blowhard, but y’all elected an extremist who pretends to be a moderate. Bad form, Ohio. Seriously bad form. You. Don’t. Count.
Oklahoma is white and red.
Oregon is WHERE THE LOONIES TOOK OVER THE WILDLIFE REFUGE! That is an instant disqualifier. Portland might have saved you, except it’s still mostly white. Sorry, Oregon, you know I love you, but you don’t count.
Pennsylvania is disqualified because (see above) it’s Kentucky AND the northeast, which is both Southern AND too close to Vermont, so it’s extra disqualified. If I could nominate a state for having a negative delegate count, it would be you, PA. Sorry. (But go Steelers!)
Rhode Island is too close to Vermont. Plus, Linc Chafee.
South Carolina as we’ve all been reminded over and over and over again, is the deep south. Not just the south, but the DEEP south.
South Dakota is white and red.
Tennessee is a southern state.
Texas is a southern state and, besides, we really like making fun of you instead of getting our hands dirty and capitalizing on the opportunity to turn you purple. I mean, come on! You’re TEXAS! Why would we want your votes when we can simply make fun of you?
Utah is white and red. It’s Idaho minus the white supremacists but plus a whoooole lot of Romneys. Get lost.
Vermont is so obvious I don’t even have to say it.
Virginia is a Southern state.
Washington is a white state, but it gets preferential treatment ‘cause it's usually blue. But still, you don’t count, WA.
West Virginia is on hold until we determine if it’s a true Southern state or not.
Wisconsin is a bunch of Union busting creeps. They elected Scott Walker, for crying out loud! Plus, there’s a chance that it might be a Southern state after all. We’re keeping our eye on you, Wisconsin.
Wyoming is Wyoming. It’s Idaho and Utah minus the Mormons and Mitt Romneys but plus a pretty landscape. Hell, I hereby declare that Wyoming matters simply because I had nothing else to say about it.