Not even past experience can prepare us for grief. I've been learning this the hard way as I struggle with the loss of my aunt. Having lost many influential loved ones before this, I thought I had it more or less figured out. It was going to hurt, but I'd get through it.
Or, maybe, not so much....
I had several epiphanies while I sat next to my aunt as she died, and I could (and probably will) write something about each one of those. The first one was that self-destruction isn't really a thing. It doesn't exist. Destruction is a very real thing that does exist, but it does not stop at the body of a person. I don't get to hide under the blanket of "self-destruction" just because I am only harming myself physically . Self-destruction is destruction. If I destroy me, I destroy others along the way.
Further, who the fuck am I to say that I am not special or loved when everyone tells me that I am? I trust the people who tell me that I am, yet I distrust what they say when they say that.
One of the people who had been my fiercest champions was now dying before me. One of her last acts of rebellion was to try to shield me from seeing her face. She didn't want me to be there, but guess what? She had no say in the matter. So I told her to STFU, wrapped her in my arms, and held her close to me so that I could stroke her hair. "I wouldn't have driven all night to get to Aunt Sharon," I told her. "So just knock it off, because I'm here and I'm not leaving."
She took as deep a breath as she could and then fell asleep in my arms. My right arm fell asleep as it cradled her head and neck, and my back ached from leaning over the bed to hold her like that. But she was peaceful, so I stayed like that for, well, I don't know how long.
That was Saturday morning. I got the call on Friday night and within twenty minutes I was in my car on the way to Tacoma. I arrived at 6 am local time, but due to getting lost several times I didn't make it to the hospital until 8. My aunt passed at about 3:30am Monday morning. Everything is a blur, really. And the details, I suppose, don't matter much.