I have been quite open about this affliction with all of you. Some days it shows more than others. I've received a ton of support from so many of you. You keep an eye on me, you notice changes in my writing, you "feel" something is off about me on occasion.
I have always been moved by this support. I regret some of my postings about the issue. I regret the way I've behaved here on a number of occasions because I was in such a hole and lashed out online. I regret that once, when I was in a particularly dark place, I unpublished nearly all of my diaries. That one especially perturbs me.
And in a way, that sums up my existence as a whole. A string of regrets, behavior that I can't control and that I fear defines me. As a logical person I know that I am more than the sum of my mistakes. But my demons are very particular about the way they turn off my lights. They convince me that I am unloved, unworthy, nothing but a fuck up who has only by chance survived this long and I don't deserve that fortune.
You all know far more about me than most people offline do. I can be vulnerable and honest with all of you. I can't extend that to the people that see me on a daily basis.
I remember a diary (sorry I haven't been able to find it to give it proper attribution) that asked what would people here be most surprised to know about us in the real world. I answered that most people here would probably be shocked by how professional I am in real life. The first thing everyone always says about me is that I'm smart. "Scary" smart to some people. "Funny" usually follows that. I get "pretty" a lot but I don't acknowledge that.
And when I hear people describe me in positive terms, I disregard them. I have never been able to accept these terms without thinking "If they really knew me....."
If it seems contradictory when I state that I am a very logical person yet unable to view myself positively, it is. I do not like myself; I try to love myself and usually fail. I know I am intelligent and witty and attractive, but none of those things register as a positive. It's just a nice little mask my demons gave me to constantly change the subject.
I know that it's hard for people to understand depression if they've never experienced it. I even understand why some people think that suicide is cowardly or selfish. I don't agree with it, but I understand it. It's often impossible to explain this existence to people. I have yet to be able to do that successfully.
